Forgive me.

I wonder just how many times those words become necessary when two people become one flesh. I know there are already many things you will have to forgive me for... and we aren't even at the one flesh stage yet. Sometimes I wonder if this letter writing is a wise thing. I still don't know if you're real yet. Not for sure, anyway. It was much like a whisper that God gave me about you. But I'll not share that here.

I remember being in my councellor's office a while back. I shared with him the desire I had to have a tubal ligation. I expressed my thoughts and concerns. He brought you into the conversation. He told me it was a decision I shouldn't make until you came along. Charlie is a wise man, and many times I've listened to his voice as wisdom from God. But this time I chose differently.

July 25, 07 was the day of the surgery. I'm writing this almost two weeks later. I'm still in pain. It takes a while to heal, and I am an impatient woman. I wanted to make this decision before you came into the picture and for that you will have to forgive me.
Did I err in this? No. I don't believe I did. There can be no option here. I don't want the risk of pregnancy. I can't afford it. Not with my age or my mental health issues. Those two factors will not change. Having children after 40 is not out of the question, and the surgery was the best way I knew of to make sure it doesn't not happen.

The decision has now been made. It's not up for debate should either one of us want any different. I remember telling my councellor once that I didn't want to birth children. He told me that my thoughts toward that could change should you come in the picture. I thought of that conversation the day of the surgery. Now, even I can't change my mind. What's done is done and is irreversable.

There are alot of things I've done in my life that I wish I could reverse. But like this surgery, they too are irreversable. Do I stand a chance at a life with you in light of all those things? Will I say something or do something that will build a gorge between us for life? I fear I have already and I don't even know you, yet. Or do I? Of that, I'm not even sure of.

Easter Sunday Prayers

My pastor prayed for you today. I guess it's a given how much I really want you to become a reality. There is a man in my life who is getting closer to my heart than I actually feel comfortable with. I know he's not you. I know I've been down this road often enough. I should want to walk away from those men who definately don't have a hope of being you. I should hang around the guys that love the Lord like you do; that have the priorities that you've already set in your life; the ones that remind me of you. That way, I have a greater chance of actually growing closer to the one who will be you. Sadly enough, this has not been the practice for me.

Something bothered me when Pastor Wendy prayed for you today. I had a picture in my mind of someone, hoping it was you, but not quite sure. He could be you... and if he is...why am I still afraid. Not only of him, but of you. If you are him, are you suppose to let me know that or do I need to find that out on my own.

Where is my courage? I'm going to church tonight to watch Mel Gibson's "Passion of the Christ" I'm reminded of the courage Jesus had one Friday over 2000 years ago, so he could be in relationship with me. There was no guarentee that I would respond with a desire to be his friend in return, and yet He still chose the painful journey.

It seems like the road I need to travel to you will be a painful journey of courage. I just wish it was clear this time. I think that is what Pastor Wendy prayed about.

The next step in the healing process

I wonder sometimes what a person goes through when they've been diagnosed with cancer. It starts and spreads... that is the nature of the illness. Some are cured, some are killed. There has been alot of cancer in my family... every woman ... both grandmothers, my mom and my sister have each had their bouts with cancer. Grandma (Mom's mom) had lung cancer... it killed her at 64. Oma (Dad's mom) had breast cancer when she was 90. The lump was removed in a month and she lived 6 more years. My sister had her tyroid removed and Mom has had a run of skin cancer.

I have a cancer that no medical scanning system will ever pick up. It's been working it's way through my soul, instead of my body. It started small and has grown over the years and over the decades to a malignancy of greatest proportion. It could kill me.

The cancer is FEAR.

I know I have a chance in beating this thing before it takes me down. What concerns me is will I take the necessary measures needed to find the cure. And there is one.

1 John 4:18

"There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear; because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love."

No diagnosis on that portion of scripture... except I know what has fed the cancer.

I wrote a poem 12 years ago... "Rusty Love". It was one of my first poems.

Rusty Love

Corroded by time, torn apart
Blackened with age, a worn out heart

Open and willing to try love again
Only to find a disasterous end

Broken and weakened each time love had failed
But holding on tighter love still prevailed

Then love turned the dying into the dead
When one more goodbye was all that was said

Corroded by time, torn apart
Rusty love destroyed the heart


There have been a recent turn of events that lead me to believe the door is opening to the next level in healing my cancer. But the procedure is high risk. I could close the door and accept my fate and die from it... or I could risk everything on a cure I know will end the malignancy for life.

You're a big part of this. I was told I would get married one day, but God wanted to heal me first. I believe something different. I believe you will be a part of the healing process. Are you up for that...It could get ugly. Actually it has already...

I really don't want to die of this... I'd rather die in peace.

New Years Eve 2006

It's New Years Eve... I think I'm staying home. I was going to see a movie... but I'm not feeling like I want to go out. My neck is in alot of pain right now. don't know what I did to get that out of line again.

Watched the Singing Nun... I have alot of things to clean up. I'm starting my 2007 goal on the first day of the year. I want to have everyone from church at my house some time during the year.

The year won't end with out a heart ache. I lost Oma yesterday. She was 96. It was time. The funeral is Thursday. I wish you would come with me. I am taking a friend, but really in the bottom of my heart, I want you there. But it's yet another event in my life without you. My family loves me, I know that. But I still can't shake the loneliness of it all.

What's taking you so long? Here I am being impatient again. I know good wine has to age.

There is a secret hiding in my soul that I want to share with you. But not here. I want to tell you in person. I don't know when that time will come. I have mistaken you for others before. Maybe this is the year.

I am tired and yet hopeful. Ready to say goodbye to yet another year.

Recap:

April- New Orleans/Toronto
July- Emco 100th Anniversary celebrations
August - Visit to Georgian Bay, Crossroads and 100 Huntley St. for the 1 yr anniversary of Katrina
October - Thanksgiving with my Family. Rented a PT cruiser for the trip
December - recieved confirmation of a move to pumps dept at work. Oma passed away


I'll make yet another trip without you. But let this one be one of the last. I don't want to speed up God's will and timing... I just want more. Is that okay? I will treasure the dreams I have until the day that I know it's you. When that day comes, I'll put my arms around you and thank God that he was patient when I was impatient and that he provided for me when I couldn't provide for myself.

Then I will tell you my secret. God's mercies promise's are new every morning.

So farewell 2006 and here's to 2007.

Thank you Lord for your promise. Take care of "you know who". Bring him along, not because I've begged you, but because your desire is to bless me. Only then will I treasure the gift you are holding in your hands. Keep him safe. Remind him that he has a treasure waiting for him, too.

waiting...

there's silence in the room. wondering if I'm still allowed to dream. a topic of conversation came up today at church with some girlfriends. praying for a husband. should I be praying for you? it seems so wrong to ask God for someone. issues, I still have issues. I watched "my best freind's wedding" and deposited a river of tears on my pillow. I can't explain it... when is it going to stop. when is the loneliness going to end. when is God going to be enough? have you become a necessity?

here's a verse for you to chew on. 1 John 4:18 "There is no fear in love but perfect love casts out fear; because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love."

am I still in torment because of an abundance of residual fear in my life? will I ever get to experience perfect love? someone's coming for a visit this week. a man I still call the best male friend I've had in the last 12 years. when every man's walked in and out of my life... he's stayed. he's married now with three kids. like "michael" in the movie... he's found his "kimi"... I said goodbye years ago... thinking that because he's married, I must let go of my "best friend". but he still comes around as if nothing has changed. things have changed, but there is still that reassurance that our friendship is still okay.

what is perfect love anyway... a love without the presence of fear?

if you are real, not just a dream... you're in for a real adventure. what has God told you about me so far? has he prepared you at all? are you praying for me? if you are real, will the love that grows between us be perfect? if so, will it be the first time I've ever experienced perfect love?

Jesus... loves me... knows it all... never leaves me... is there when I cry out.. is my hope when hopelessness seems all there is... gave everything for me... IS PERFECT LOVE...

do I fear when I come into his presence... is there any reason to...

¿Quien es como tu, Señor?

Scripture on the sofa

I read a portion of Colossians this morning I want to share with you. Normally I would put this in my Bible notes blog, but I want to share this with you this morning. I dream of the day that the two of us can sit together on the couch with the Word of God in our laps and read together and learn together from the precious pages that God has penned himself. What intimacy that would be.

READING FROM COLOSSIANS 1: 1-14 (NCV)


“From Paul, an apostle of Christ Jesus. I am an apostle because that is what God wanted. Also from Timothy, our brother. To the holy and faithful brothers and sisters in Christ that live in Colossae: Grace and peace to you from God our Father.

In our prayers for you we always thank God the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, because we have heard about the faith you have in Christ Jesus and the love you have for all of God’s people. You have this faith and love because of your hope, and what you hope for is kept safe for you in heaven. You learned about this hope when you heard the message about the truth, the Good News that was told to you. Everywhere in the world that Good News is bringing blessings and is growing. This has happened with you, too, since you heard the Good News and understood the truth about the grace of God. You learned about God’s grace from Epaphras, whom we love. He works together with us and is a faithful servant of Christ for us. He also told us about the love you have from the Holy Spirit.

Because of this, since the day we heard about you, we have continued praying for you, asking God that you will know fully what he wants. We pray that you will also have great wisdom and understanding in spiritual things so that you will live the kind of life that honors and pleases the Lord in every way. You will produce fruit in every good work and grow in the knowledge of God. God will strengthen you with his own great power so that you will not give up when troubles come, but will be patient. And you will joyfully give thanks to the Father who has make you able to have a share in all that he has prepared for his people in the kingdom of light. God has freed us from the power of darkness, and he brought into the kingdom of his dear Son. The Son paid for our sins, and in him we have forgiveness.”


What an inspirational portion of scripture.

"We pray that you will have great wisdom and understanding in spiritual things so that you will live the kind of life that honors and pleases the Lord in every way."

Wow, that is my prayer today... great wisdom and understanding... a life that honors and pleases the Lord IN EVERY WAY!!!!"

Lord, I pray that you will strengthen me with Your great power so I will not give up when troubles come, that I will be patient. I will joyfully give thanks to You for all you have prepared for me in the Kingdom of Light... for freeing me from the kingdom of darkness and for paying for my sin and granting me your forgiveness.

Hey, man of my dreams... these are the mornings I want to share with you.

Change and big decisions

My parents dropped in last night. I'd like to say that I didn't expect them, but that's not entirely true. But I was unprepared for their arrival. Things were chaotic a little and I found myself a tad bit frustrated. It's early morning and I've already baked a batch of oatmeal banana muffins. It's good to have them here. It saddens me to see Oma now. So dependant, so fragile. Maybe by the time you come into my life, she'll be gone. In some ways she's already gone. The person she was is no longer there. So much has changed.

I am in the midst of a big decision, a change. I shared it with my parents last night, but didn't exactly ask their thoughts. I talked to my doctor about getting permanently fixed. I don't want to have children... meaning, I don't want to go through the birthing process. I am nearing 40 and it's been an issue for quite some time. My GP is arranging a consult with a gynocologist so I can discuss possibilties. Dad says it's a big decision. I think it is, but one I definately want to make on my own.

Yes, I don't want to wait for you in this one. I have to go through with it now, the risk of pregnancy is slim to none until you come into my life, but I don't want this to be an future issue. If I get it done now, I won't have to make the decision when there is alot more emotions at bay. Right now, my heads on straight. I know the health risks and I know I am not able to adequately do the job of a mother. Things would have been different fifteen years ago, but not now. I have battled and still battle the whole arena of mental illness. Whether it's Bipolar or ADD, it will be a major factor on my ability to function as a parent. Being in my late thirties is already high risk for pregnancy.

What if you want to have children? If that is the case then there will be no controversy. The decision will have already been made. This, my love, is a mountain I cannot climb,an ascent I will not attempt. The consequences are too great.

I can only hope and pray that it won't be a hindrance to our future. The thing is, motherhood has never really been a burning desire for me. I love being Auntie Ruby. To me, being loved by children that I have not reproduced is the greatest blessing ever. Nothing can top this for me. I will always love children, and there will always be children in my life. That much will not change.