getting older

I have been dying my hair since I was twenty. I figured if I started then, grey hair wouldn't be the excuse to start. Now as forty peaks itself around the corner, I find that I am still dying my hair because I like the change, but I am also covering grey...

I have been single for 38 years. No kids to use an excuse for the grey hair. I guess I just want to stay young. I now wonder if it's because of you. Maybe if you had come into my life when I was in my twenties, I wouldn't feel like I had to hide my age... maybe aging would be kosher. I really don't know.

I like it when people take ten years off my age. I really don't feel like I have to plan the dive for decade five. I should be planning 29 not 39.

I know it won't matter to you.

I am finding that as I get older I am not so attracted to looks, but to character. Oh.. I still have my share of crushes on the plumbers that come to the counter at EMCO... but that's so superficial. When I find myself becoming attracted to someone, it is because he has become vulnerable. He has opened up his soft side and exposed a part of himself that is not seen in public. This happens in the work place too... along side those girl hood crushes.

I am getting older. Things are changing daily for me... I should feel like I'm running out of time. But it hasn't happened yet.

I wish I could hear your voice... Telling me to wait, telling me to be wise, telling me to save my heart for you and no other. Telling me that Jesus will hold me until the day I'm in your arms.

Tell me you are not a figment of my imagination. Tell me that as the pain of loneliness grows ever so stronger, that the pain of heartache is worse... The pain of betrayal, the pain of abandonment, the pain of giving my heart away only to have it crushed.

I was told I should pray for you. I wish it wasn't so hard to believe that you are real.