New Years Eve 2006

It's New Years Eve... I think I'm staying home. I was going to see a movie... but I'm not feeling like I want to go out. My neck is in alot of pain right now. don't know what I did to get that out of line again.

Watched the Singing Nun... I have alot of things to clean up. I'm starting my 2007 goal on the first day of the year. I want to have everyone from church at my house some time during the year.

The year won't end with out a heart ache. I lost Oma yesterday. She was 96. It was time. The funeral is Thursday. I wish you would come with me. I am taking a friend, but really in the bottom of my heart, I want you there. But it's yet another event in my life without you. My family loves me, I know that. But I still can't shake the loneliness of it all.

What's taking you so long? Here I am being impatient again. I know good wine has to age.

There is a secret hiding in my soul that I want to share with you. But not here. I want to tell you in person. I don't know when that time will come. I have mistaken you for others before. Maybe this is the year.

I am tired and yet hopeful. Ready to say goodbye to yet another year.

Recap:

April- New Orleans/Toronto
July- Emco 100th Anniversary celebrations
August - Visit to Georgian Bay, Crossroads and 100 Huntley St. for the 1 yr anniversary of Katrina
October - Thanksgiving with my Family. Rented a PT cruiser for the trip
December - recieved confirmation of a move to pumps dept at work. Oma passed away


I'll make yet another trip without you. But let this one be one of the last. I don't want to speed up God's will and timing... I just want more. Is that okay? I will treasure the dreams I have until the day that I know it's you. When that day comes, I'll put my arms around you and thank God that he was patient when I was impatient and that he provided for me when I couldn't provide for myself.

Then I will tell you my secret. God's mercies promise's are new every morning.

So farewell 2006 and here's to 2007.

Thank you Lord for your promise. Take care of "you know who". Bring him along, not because I've begged you, but because your desire is to bless me. Only then will I treasure the gift you are holding in your hands. Keep him safe. Remind him that he has a treasure waiting for him, too.

waiting...

there's silence in the room. wondering if I'm still allowed to dream. a topic of conversation came up today at church with some girlfriends. praying for a husband. should I be praying for you? it seems so wrong to ask God for someone. issues, I still have issues. I watched "my best freind's wedding" and deposited a river of tears on my pillow. I can't explain it... when is it going to stop. when is the loneliness going to end. when is God going to be enough? have you become a necessity?

here's a verse for you to chew on. 1 John 4:18 "There is no fear in love but perfect love casts out fear; because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love."

am I still in torment because of an abundance of residual fear in my life? will I ever get to experience perfect love? someone's coming for a visit this week. a man I still call the best male friend I've had in the last 12 years. when every man's walked in and out of my life... he's stayed. he's married now with three kids. like "michael" in the movie... he's found his "kimi"... I said goodbye years ago... thinking that because he's married, I must let go of my "best friend". but he still comes around as if nothing has changed. things have changed, but there is still that reassurance that our friendship is still okay.

what is perfect love anyway... a love without the presence of fear?

if you are real, not just a dream... you're in for a real adventure. what has God told you about me so far? has he prepared you at all? are you praying for me? if you are real, will the love that grows between us be perfect? if so, will it be the first time I've ever experienced perfect love?

Jesus... loves me... knows it all... never leaves me... is there when I cry out.. is my hope when hopelessness seems all there is... gave everything for me... IS PERFECT LOVE...

do I fear when I come into his presence... is there any reason to...

¿Quien es como tu, Señor?