Change and big decisions

My parents dropped in last night. I'd like to say that I didn't expect them, but that's not entirely true. But I was unprepared for their arrival. Things were chaotic a little and I found myself a tad bit frustrated. It's early morning and I've already baked a batch of oatmeal banana muffins. It's good to have them here. It saddens me to see Oma now. So dependant, so fragile. Maybe by the time you come into my life, she'll be gone. In some ways she's already gone. The person she was is no longer there. So much has changed.

I am in the midst of a big decision, a change. I shared it with my parents last night, but didn't exactly ask their thoughts. I talked to my doctor about getting permanently fixed. I don't want to have children... meaning, I don't want to go through the birthing process. I am nearing 40 and it's been an issue for quite some time. My GP is arranging a consult with a gynocologist so I can discuss possibilties. Dad says it's a big decision. I think it is, but one I definately want to make on my own.

Yes, I don't want to wait for you in this one. I have to go through with it now, the risk of pregnancy is slim to none until you come into my life, but I don't want this to be an future issue. If I get it done now, I won't have to make the decision when there is alot more emotions at bay. Right now, my heads on straight. I know the health risks and I know I am not able to adequately do the job of a mother. Things would have been different fifteen years ago, but not now. I have battled and still battle the whole arena of mental illness. Whether it's Bipolar or ADD, it will be a major factor on my ability to function as a parent. Being in my late thirties is already high risk for pregnancy.

What if you want to have children? If that is the case then there will be no controversy. The decision will have already been made. This, my love, is a mountain I cannot climb,an ascent I will not attempt. The consequences are too great.

I can only hope and pray that it won't be a hindrance to our future. The thing is, motherhood has never really been a burning desire for me. I love being Auntie Ruby. To me, being loved by children that I have not reproduced is the greatest blessing ever. Nothing can top this for me. I will always love children, and there will always be children in my life. That much will not change.

getting older

I have been dying my hair since I was twenty. I figured if I started then, grey hair wouldn't be the excuse to start. Now as forty peaks itself around the corner, I find that I am still dying my hair because I like the change, but I am also covering grey...

I have been single for 38 years. No kids to use an excuse for the grey hair. I guess I just want to stay young. I now wonder if it's because of you. Maybe if you had come into my life when I was in my twenties, I wouldn't feel like I had to hide my age... maybe aging would be kosher. I really don't know.

I like it when people take ten years off my age. I really don't feel like I have to plan the dive for decade five. I should be planning 29 not 39.

I know it won't matter to you.

I am finding that as I get older I am not so attracted to looks, but to character. Oh.. I still have my share of crushes on the plumbers that come to the counter at EMCO... but that's so superficial. When I find myself becoming attracted to someone, it is because he has become vulnerable. He has opened up his soft side and exposed a part of himself that is not seen in public. This happens in the work place too... along side those girl hood crushes.

I am getting older. Things are changing daily for me... I should feel like I'm running out of time. But it hasn't happened yet.

I wish I could hear your voice... Telling me to wait, telling me to be wise, telling me to save my heart for you and no other. Telling me that Jesus will hold me until the day I'm in your arms.

Tell me you are not a figment of my imagination. Tell me that as the pain of loneliness grows ever so stronger, that the pain of heartache is worse... The pain of betrayal, the pain of abandonment, the pain of giving my heart away only to have it crushed.

I was told I should pray for you. I wish it wasn't so hard to believe that you are real.

"Unwilling"

I just resurrected a poem I had written a while back and posted it onto the poetry blog. "Unwilling"

It says so much and what is so sad is that "he" wasn't you. I just wish he could have been. Now I am thinking that when you do come along, I will miss you completely. I will be so bruised and damaged by the failed attempts at true companionship, that you will stop, wave and walk away. Because you want to... I don't think so. I don't know why so many walk away. Am I that undesirable of a companion?

What do I have to change to be perfect in your eyes? Oh, I know I will never be perfect, but unless I can become perfect for you, what hope is there? Unless there is no other woman for you, what is my place, my role?. Will I ever be that woman?

Maybe you are already here... How can I ever know. All I see right now is potential for pain and heartache. I don't see you. I don't see the one who will help me to change all this.

And you ask, How has God changed things for me? Jesus is the only one who will never fit into that category. Jesus is the only one I don't have to fear walking away. Jesus is the perfection that I feel safe with. I wish he was enough. I wish I didn't long for you as much as I do. I wish I could finish this life off single, alone... but tell me something. Did God really design my life to end like that?
If you are one of my friends, please don't be disheartened if I am distant. I might appear to desire intimacy, but right now, it isn't something you can trust. Right now, just be my friend.