Change and big decisions
My parents dropped in last night. I'd like to say that I didn't expect them, but that's not entirely true. But I was unprepared for their arrival. Things were chaotic a little and I found myself a tad bit frustrated. It's early morning and I've already baked a batch of oatmeal banana muffins. It's good to have them here. It saddens me to see Oma now. So dependant, so fragile. Maybe by the time you come into my life, she'll be gone. In some ways she's already gone. The person she was is no longer there. So much has changed.
I am in the midst of a big decision, a change. I shared it with my parents last night, but didn't exactly ask their thoughts. I talked to my doctor about getting permanently fixed. I don't want to have children... meaning, I don't want to go through the birthing process. I am nearing 40 and it's been an issue for quite some time. My GP is arranging a consult with a gynocologist so I can discuss possibilties. Dad says it's a big decision. I think it is, but one I definately want to make on my own.
Yes, I don't want to wait for you in this one. I have to go through with it now, the risk of pregnancy is slim to none until you come into my life, but I don't want this to be an future issue. If I get it done now, I won't have to make the decision when there is alot more emotions at bay. Right now, my heads on straight. I know the health risks and I know I am not able to adequately do the job of a mother. Things would have been different fifteen years ago, but not now. I have battled and still battle the whole arena of mental illness. Whether it's Bipolar or ADD, it will be a major factor on my ability to function as a parent. Being in my late thirties is already high risk for pregnancy.
What if you want to have children? If that is the case then there will be no controversy. The decision will have already been made. This, my love, is a mountain I cannot climb,an ascent I will not attempt. The consequences are too great.
I can only hope and pray that it won't be a hindrance to our future. The thing is, motherhood has never really been a burning desire for me. I love being Auntie Ruby. To me, being loved by children that I have not reproduced is the greatest blessing ever. Nothing can top this for me. I will always love children, and there will always be children in my life. That much will not change.
I am in the midst of a big decision, a change. I shared it with my parents last night, but didn't exactly ask their thoughts. I talked to my doctor about getting permanently fixed. I don't want to have children... meaning, I don't want to go through the birthing process. I am nearing 40 and it's been an issue for quite some time. My GP is arranging a consult with a gynocologist so I can discuss possibilties. Dad says it's a big decision. I think it is, but one I definately want to make on my own.
Yes, I don't want to wait for you in this one. I have to go through with it now, the risk of pregnancy is slim to none until you come into my life, but I don't want this to be an future issue. If I get it done now, I won't have to make the decision when there is alot more emotions at bay. Right now, my heads on straight. I know the health risks and I know I am not able to adequately do the job of a mother. Things would have been different fifteen years ago, but not now. I have battled and still battle the whole arena of mental illness. Whether it's Bipolar or ADD, it will be a major factor on my ability to function as a parent. Being in my late thirties is already high risk for pregnancy.
What if you want to have children? If that is the case then there will be no controversy. The decision will have already been made. This, my love, is a mountain I cannot climb,an ascent I will not attempt. The consequences are too great.
I can only hope and pray that it won't be a hindrance to our future. The thing is, motherhood has never really been a burning desire for me. I love being Auntie Ruby. To me, being loved by children that I have not reproduced is the greatest blessing ever. Nothing can top this for me. I will always love children, and there will always be children in my life. That much will not change.
posted by Ruby Voigt at
6:22 AM
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